Gone..
At 5.00pm today, while scrolling through twitter the news that I never wanted to find out showed up in my newsfeed. Never in a million years would I want this to happened.. today is the day that my dearest friend, school mate, ex soul mate passed away. How I wish this was a joke and he was still alive, making jokes with his friends and twitting his soul out on twitter. But no, it DID happened and I'm overwhelmed with mixed feelings about this news. I remembered during secondary school that you would always annoy me with your annoying snort during mother tongue class and you're never-ending lame jokes. Yet I would still find those lame jokes funny and would laugh in silence without anyone knowing. We were no close to even begin with, we were just classmates for those 4 years but due to some fallouts we became close friends in secondary 3 thanks to our mutual friend Atika for bringing us together. We played together in P.E and always eat together during recess, and then in secondary 4 after our N levels I found out that you had feelings for me. We talked everyday and everynight before becoming official.
You understood me whenever I had problems and always drove those negativity out within seconds. 31st December 2013 was the day that we became official as a couple, thanks to Atika nevertheless always pushing us together haha. We went to the movies for our first date, you fetched me after my work before heading there and I was surprised and touched. I remember that moment when you were smoking right outside the mall and I was just staring at you, admiring you thinking do I really deserved you? Due to my personal feelings, our relationship ended in a blink of an eye. I remembered how it broke your heart when that happened. I was super duper stupid for doing that and man not a single day did I ever stopped thinking that I wanted to get back with you. But soon we ended with mutual feelings and decided to just stayed as friends. I though you'd hate me and forgot about me, but no you'd comment on my photos on Instagram and even on twitter.
Again, with my stupid feelings I neglected your act of kindness and slowly we stopped communicating. The last photo that you commented was a "Welcome Back" from when I just got back from Phuket,Thailand. It was just 2-3 months ago and now... now you're gone. I hate that I had let my feelings controlled me. I remembered countless times that you'd asked me out to hangout with your friends.. again I was afraid and I declined your offers again and again. How I wish you were still here.. How I wish I did not do those mistakes and just keep on talking to you.
Muhammad Aidil, you were my first lover, my friend, my ray of sunshine... You'll always be loved and missed. I love you Aidil...
#1
There will always be a time where someone who'd just love to pull you down with no reasons. There will always be a time where someone will mock you for not being able to fit in to their expectation. This is where society sucks to the core. I'm super tired of all these things happening, however cheerful I may be infront of my friends, deep down I'm not. Almost every single day that I've put on a fake front infront of everybody. Reasons? I don't really know, but it's just those moment of time where your emotions are just running around in your small bubble of space.
Am I going back to my depression? Am I being too emotional? To be honest I really don't know, the fact that I'm so used to being a "fake" around people shows how I haven't give a single fuck. I used to get offended when people criticized me or how they would just try to pull my self-esteem down, but now I just show them no emotion and be like "oh yeah ok". Ugh I really don't know, I hate this feeling so much that I just want to drown myself. I want to be happy like I used to be, but somehow I know it will never happen. I have no motivation whatsoever and I just don't feel like doing anything about it.
Liyana.... start thinking about yourself than other people... start making yourself happy... I know you can do it... Just try ..
Relationship
Back again with another post guys.. yessss
So I just got out of a month of relationship with someone who I hold dearly, yes its rather short time of us being together but I could really say that I really really like him after so long of not being in a relationship. He asked me out on 4th of March after my birthday and boy was I super happy ! We literally talked every single day and he never fails to make me laugh with his idiotic lame jokes and his silly faces.
But now its all over.. I have to say this had a huge impact on me to be honest, over my past few relationships I hadn't cried (well almost) and with our breakup I almost had a break down. I couldn't accept the fact that we broke up and no we didn't argue or anything.. its just due to his personal problems and of course sometime ago he had conversed with his ex girlfriend which I first didn't think it was a problem but somehow I think she had a plan of breaking us up. I don't know.. ugh I feel so frustrated.. when I thought I had forgotten about him.. he'd just come back and talk to me.. not that I mind or anything but ya know it`ll just bring back memories..
Now only a few of friends knew about this relationship.. and I appreciate those who had comforted me.. I guess I just need to distract myself more..
A New Start
Wow, it's been awhile since I updated my blog again haha. I'm absolutely terrible at updating my blog especially ever since I was super stressed out over my results for my course in HN. I waited for exactly two months for my results and finally I got em ! Yes I got into my first choice, it was rather not my favourite kind of course since I couldn't enter my number one favourite course which was Tourism but now I have decided to try a new course and maybe develop new sets of skills.
The course I got into is Human Resource & Administrative, yes I've decided to go into a much more business kind of concept instead of an outgoing adventure in Tourism. I gotta admit I was really not looking forward to this course since I'm not really interested in going into the HR department but after a very very VERY long talk with my family and friends, here I am getting enrolled in HR & Administrative course. It'd definitely not gonna be a smooth sailing journey for me since it's a whole new concept to me but Insyaallah I'll catch up with the modules.
On the 4th of April was the first day I entered ITE College Central and it was also the day I'll be meeting new friends (*sarcasm* wooo yayy). I have to be honest here, previously I was in ITE College West studying Travel & Tourism but now I'm over at the Central side.. the journey to Central took me an hour to reach there.. so just imagine myself waking up at 6 in the morning and travelling an hour journey all the way to the central side of Singapore. I'd die I know, but I'm getting the hang of it I guess.
Right back to the first day of orientation, boy I was a loner and I didn't smile either on that day well since I didn't like the fact that I have to reintroduce myself and make "new" friends. Luckily one of the Bridge Leaders was my friend and I was able to catch up with him.. for awhile ahaha. The orientation we had was one week long (nope before you say it, I know ! WHO THE HECK GOES ON AN ORIENTATION FOR ONE WEEK?!). Apparently it was not that bad since I found out that two of my classmates was previously in the same college as me as well as the same course on top of that I was able to meet two of my primary school friends ! Yeah Singapore is rather small.. You can't even hide if you steal a cookie from your friend LOL.
At the end of the orientation I finally got myself some new friends as well as old ones and it was a great orientation even though some of the activities was quite boring (no offence BL's !) overall it was fine. I really hope I'm able to pull off another two years of ITE life. I definitely dread going on an hour journey to school but hey if there's no discipline there's no learning right? (Yes I copied that from my secondary school principal). I shall end my post here, I'll try my best to update more in the future. CIAO
Deep Thoughts
These few days had me thinking, do I really need to change myself to pleased people? I mean I`ve been getting comments from friends or other people saying that I`m way to vulgar for a girl and I have a strength of an actual guy. I`ve had these comments before way back in primary and secondary school and to be honest I don`t give a single shit. But now, it`s a little different I guess since I`m growing older by the day and to be honest I`ve always thought "what happens if I change myself and become feminine and dressed up in a proper dress and walk more like a girl rather than my usual "man-like" walk. Would this pleased people? Will they like me?
Just a few days ago, my internet friend told me that I should be more "soft-like" like other girls and not swear.. Yes you internet people, I swear and I mean I swear alot and I know its not feminine like.. So I eventually told him that "well sorry to disappoint you boy cause I`m not like any other girls". Even though I said that, in my head I was thinking.. shit was I being too harsh or rather too much for swearing since I`m a girl? *sigh* I`ve been feeling depressed for the past few days and I really don`t know what to do. I`m starting to feel that my self-esteem dropped alot, my insecurities have been getting to me. The same day that my internet friend told me that, my colleague whom I shall not even say his name told me face-to-face that I`m fat. Yes I know deep down that he was joking but to be honest since secondary school I`ve been struggling with my diet and my weight. I`m not too fat nor too skinny just an average body sized girl who weights 58kg with a height of 5'1 tall. Yes I`m short I know, but till now when somebody calls me fat I just can`t help but feel stressed out.
I`ve been trying to control my diet, I even ate less nowadays and none of this are helping me to lose weight. I know my problem is not that of a big deal like those who are suffering from eating disorders and other stuff. But seriously ugh I feel so stressed up, sometimes I even think that I should have become a guy not a girl and to those who are reading this, no I`m not a lesbian I`m straight as a pole. Talking about that.. I was even called a lesbian once, okay maybe even more than that. I mean I may be rough but that doesn`t mean I`m a guy or a lesbian. Seriously ugh this people should just stop harassing me, I`ve had enough on my plate, I just hope that this will just go away as soon as possible.
Wish me luck......
D-day
Today is the day where I`ll be planning my future goals, it is the day that I`ll be getting my Nitec results. It`s definitely nerve-wrecking for me because I`m scared that my grades would drop after finding out that my previous grade was only 2.9. Tragic huh? but there was only one way for me to increase that GPA and that is to go for my four month internship, by now you guys should know that I was placed at Gardens by the Bay for my internship. For the past four months I`ve been working my butt off eventhough it was tiring and finally my efforts has paid off.
Yes I`m glad to say that my grades actually did went up, but I was hoping it would increase a lil bit more just enough for me to go through Polytechnic. But hey the results that I got is good enough for me, it`s better than nothing right? So most probably I`ll be enrolling myself in Higher Nitec in LTO year 2 and then proceed to Polytechnic if not then I don`t know.. I`m still planing on what to do right now. But for now Alhamdullilah for my results, now I will need to better myself and move forward. You can do it yans, persevere and you`ll get a better results Insyaallah.
On the other note, I just came back from a short getaway to KL and well guess what? I`m sick haha. Also I literally thought that I had work today and so I woke up at my usual timing when I felt kind of feverish. So I messaged my boss informing her that I won`t be able to work today, after 30mins she replied me and she told me that I`m supposed to work tomorrow and not today ! BIG HAH TO YOU YANA. I`ve never felt so embarrassed but then again it`s a good sign for me to rest more, so I decided to go to the doctors to check on my fever. Found out that I had the common flu, so the doctor gave me a one day mc. Hopefully I`m able to work tomorrow.
ILLUMI RUN 2015
Yesterday was by far the best night I`ve ever had in my life ! Well that being said that I`ve never went for a "run" before and especially when they have an after party where you`ll be dancing to the DJ`s beats. Basically I wouldn`t be having fun if it weren`t for my friends. To be honest I had a second thought of not going for this Illumi run, for one I didn`t dare spend my money on this kind of events and knowing myself I `d rather spend money on food *laughs*. Also knowing my friends, they wouldn`t stop trying until you said yes.
We reached the Bugis Village at 6.30pm (I think), and the place was already packed with a lot of people. I was quite nervous as I was scared that I might lose my friends in the middle of the run but we decided to stick together no matter what. The run started at 7.30pm and we were the 2nd batch to set off for the run, so while waiting the crews decided to splash us with the Illumi glow water which comes with different neon colours ! Not to worry we were not as wet as the other runners as were standing on the far left side of the lane. And so the run starts and that`s where the fun starts, the first two "glow water pits stop" was so far okay for us as we were not wet yet haha but we kept asking each other why aren`t we getting wet when the other participants are already drenched in glow waters. So we decided to go near those "glow water" sprays and well we got soaked till our feets.
We got immersed with the songs that the DJ was playing, literally jumping here and there and high-fiving the crews during the run. After the run, we decided to get even more wet with the glow water in the "photobooth" session. The crews literally had one bucket full of glow waters and would splash them at us till we are totally covered with the glow waters. I even put some glow water marks on my cheeks pretending to look like those army guys hahah. Afterwards will be the after party where all of us would stand in the middle of the stage and just dance our mind off. The DJ was really awesome and not to mention they are super cute *winks*. So my friends and I was standing in the middle of the crowd where we`d be exposed to the glow waters, slowly the crowd starts to get packed with other participants. We were dancing our minds off for about 30mins and afterwards we decided to find a place to sit and just party for there, you know like a mini party for all of us
We stayed till 11pm since we didn`t want to miss our last bus and taking a cab is super expensive plus with their night surcharge. It was really a fun night especially when I get to go out with my friends, of course this is not our full squad missing a few of us but next time we shall try to have full squad and have more fun! I definitely do not have regret for this run, I shall come back again if I have enough money Insyaallah.
OH YEAH WHAT`S A PARTY WITHOUT A SELFIE HAHAH
/ >Newer post
Gone..
At 5.00pm today, while scrolling through twitter the news that I never wanted to find out showed up in my newsfeed. Never in a million years would I want this to happened.. today is the day that my dearest friend, school mate, ex soul mate passed away. How I wish this was a joke and he was still alive, making jokes with his friends and twitting his soul out on twitter. But no, it DID happened and I'm overwhelmed with mixed feelings about this news. I remembered during secondary school that you would always annoy me with your annoying snort during mother tongue class and you're never-ending lame jokes. Yet I would still find those lame jokes funny and would laugh in silence without anyone knowing. We were no close to even begin with, we were just classmates for those 4 years but due to some fallouts we became close friends in secondary 3 thanks to our mutual friend Atika for bringing us together. We played together in P.E and always eat together during recess, and then in secondary 4 after our N levels I found out that you had feelings for me. We talked everyday and everynight before becoming official.
You understood me whenever I had problems and always drove those negativity out within seconds. 31st December 2013 was the day that we became official as a couple, thanks to Atika nevertheless always pushing us together haha. We went to the movies for our first date, you fetched me after my work before heading there and I was surprised and touched. I remember that moment when you were smoking right outside the mall and I was just staring at you, admiring you thinking do I really deserved you? Due to my personal feelings, our relationship ended in a blink of an eye. I remembered how it broke your heart when that happened. I was super duper stupid for doing that and man not a single day did I ever stopped thinking that I wanted to get back with you. But soon we ended with mutual feelings and decided to just stayed as friends. I though you'd hate me and forgot about me, but no you'd comment on my photos on Instagram and even on twitter.
Again, with my stupid feelings I neglected your act of kindness and slowly we stopped communicating. The last photo that you commented was a "Welcome Back" from when I just got back from Phuket,Thailand. It was just 2-3 months ago and now... now you're gone. I hate that I had let my feelings controlled me. I remembered countless times that you'd asked me out to hangout with your friends.. again I was afraid and I declined your offers again and again. How I wish you were still here.. How I wish I did not do those mistakes and just keep on talking to you.
Muhammad Aidil, you were my first lover, my friend, my ray of sunshine... You'll always be loved and missed. I love you Aidil...
#1
There will always be a time where someone who'd just love to pull you down with no reasons. There will always be a time where someone will mock you for not being able to fit in to their expectation. This is where society sucks to the core. I'm super tired of all these things happening, however cheerful I may be infront of my friends, deep down I'm not. Almost every single day that I've put on a fake front infront of everybody. Reasons? I don't really know, but it's just those moment of time where your emotions are just running around in your small bubble of space.
Am I going back to my depression? Am I being too emotional? To be honest I really don't know, the fact that I'm so used to being a "fake" around people shows how I haven't give a single fuck. I used to get offended when people criticized me or how they would just try to pull my self-esteem down, but now I just show them no emotion and be like "oh yeah ok". Ugh I really don't know, I hate this feeling so much that I just want to drown myself. I want to be happy like I used to be, but somehow I know it will never happen. I have no motivation whatsoever and I just don't feel like doing anything about it.
Liyana.... start thinking about yourself than other people... start making yourself happy... I know you can do it... Just try ..
Relationship
Back again with another post guys.. yessss
So I just got out of a month of relationship with someone who I hold dearly, yes its rather short time of us being together but I could really say that I really really like him after so long of not being in a relationship. He asked me out on 4th of March after my birthday and boy was I super happy ! We literally talked every single day and he never fails to make me laugh with his idiotic lame jokes and his silly faces.
But now its all over.. I have to say this had a huge impact on me to be honest, over my past few relationships I hadn't cried (well almost) and with our breakup I almost had a break down. I couldn't accept the fact that we broke up and no we didn't argue or anything.. its just due to his personal problems and of course sometime ago he had conversed with his ex girlfriend which I first didn't think it was a problem but somehow I think she had a plan of breaking us up. I don't know.. ugh I feel so frustrated.. when I thought I had forgotten about him.. he'd just come back and talk to me.. not that I mind or anything but ya know it`ll just bring back memories..
Now only a few of friends knew about this relationship.. and I appreciate those who had comforted me.. I guess I just need to distract myself more..
A New Start
Wow, it's been awhile since I updated my blog again haha. I'm absolutely terrible at updating my blog especially ever since I was super stressed out over my results for my course in HN. I waited for exactly two months for my results and finally I got em ! Yes I got into my first choice, it was rather not my favourite kind of course since I couldn't enter my number one favourite course which was Tourism but now I have decided to try a new course and maybe develop new sets of skills.
The course I got into is Human Resource & Administrative, yes I've decided to go into a much more business kind of concept instead of an outgoing adventure in Tourism. I gotta admit I was really not looking forward to this course since I'm not really interested in going into the HR department but after a very very VERY long talk with my family and friends, here I am getting enrolled in HR & Administrative course. It'd definitely not gonna be a smooth sailing journey for me since it's a whole new concept to me but Insyaallah I'll catch up with the modules.
On the 4th of April was the first day I entered ITE College Central and it was also the day I'll be meeting new friends (*sarcasm* wooo yayy). I have to be honest here, previously I was in ITE College West studying Travel & Tourism but now I'm over at the Central side.. the journey to Central took me an hour to reach there.. so just imagine myself waking up at 6 in the morning and travelling an hour journey all the way to the central side of Singapore. I'd die I know, but I'm getting the hang of it I guess.
Right back to the first day of orientation, boy I was a loner and I didn't smile either on that day well since I didn't like the fact that I have to reintroduce myself and make "new" friends. Luckily one of the Bridge Leaders was my friend and I was able to catch up with him.. for awhile ahaha. The orientation we had was one week long (nope before you say it, I know ! WHO THE HECK GOES ON AN ORIENTATION FOR ONE WEEK?!). Apparently it was not that bad since I found out that two of my classmates was previously in the same college as me as well as the same course on top of that I was able to meet two of my primary school friends ! Yeah Singapore is rather small.. You can't even hide if you steal a cookie from your friend LOL.
At the end of the orientation I finally got myself some new friends as well as old ones and it was a great orientation even though some of the activities was quite boring (no offence BL's !) overall it was fine. I really hope I'm able to pull off another two years of ITE life. I definitely dread going on an hour journey to school but hey if there's no discipline there's no learning right? (Yes I copied that from my secondary school principal). I shall end my post here, I'll try my best to update more in the future. CIAO
Deep Thoughts
These few days had me thinking, do I really need to change myself to pleased people? I mean I`ve been getting comments from friends or other people saying that I`m way to vulgar for a girl and I have a strength of an actual guy. I`ve had these comments before way back in primary and secondary school and to be honest I don`t give a single shit. But now, it`s a little different I guess since I`m growing older by the day and to be honest I`ve always thought "what happens if I change myself and become feminine and dressed up in a proper dress and walk more like a girl rather than my usual "man-like" walk. Would this pleased people? Will they like me?
Just a few days ago, my internet friend told me that I should be more "soft-like" like other girls and not swear.. Yes you internet people, I swear and I mean I swear alot and I know its not feminine like.. So I eventually told him that "well sorry to disappoint you boy cause I`m not like any other girls". Even though I said that, in my head I was thinking.. shit was I being too harsh or rather too much for swearing since I`m a girl? *sigh* I`ve been feeling depressed for the past few days and I really don`t know what to do. I`m starting to feel that my self-esteem dropped alot, my insecurities have been getting to me. The same day that my internet friend told me that, my colleague whom I shall not even say his name told me face-to-face that I`m fat. Yes I know deep down that he was joking but to be honest since secondary school I`ve been struggling with my diet and my weight. I`m not too fat nor too skinny just an average body sized girl who weights 58kg with a height of 5'1 tall. Yes I`m short I know, but till now when somebody calls me fat I just can`t help but feel stressed out.
I`ve been trying to control my diet, I even ate less nowadays and none of this are helping me to lose weight. I know my problem is not that of a big deal like those who are suffering from eating disorders and other stuff. But seriously ugh I feel so stressed up, sometimes I even think that I should have become a guy not a girl and to those who are reading this, no I`m not a lesbian I`m straight as a pole. Talking about that.. I was even called a lesbian once, okay maybe even more than that. I mean I may be rough but that doesn`t mean I`m a guy or a lesbian. Seriously ugh this people should just stop harassing me, I`ve had enough on my plate, I just hope that this will just go away as soon as possible.
Wish me luck......
D-day
Today is the day where I`ll be planning my future goals, it is the day that I`ll be getting my Nitec results. It`s definitely nerve-wrecking for me because I`m scared that my grades would drop after finding out that my previous grade was only 2.9. Tragic huh? but there was only one way for me to increase that GPA and that is to go for my four month internship, by now you guys should know that I was placed at Gardens by the Bay for my internship. For the past four months I`ve been working my butt off eventhough it was tiring and finally my efforts has paid off.
Yes I`m glad to say that my grades actually did went up, but I was hoping it would increase a lil bit more just enough for me to go through Polytechnic. But hey the results that I got is good enough for me, it`s better than nothing right? So most probably I`ll be enrolling myself in Higher Nitec in LTO year 2 and then proceed to Polytechnic if not then I don`t know.. I`m still planing on what to do right now. But for now Alhamdullilah for my results, now I will need to better myself and move forward. You can do it yans, persevere and you`ll get a better results Insyaallah.
On the other note, I just came back from a short getaway to KL and well guess what? I`m sick haha. Also I literally thought that I had work today and so I woke up at my usual timing when I felt kind of feverish. So I messaged my boss informing her that I won`t be able to work today, after 30mins she replied me and she told me that I`m supposed to work tomorrow and not today ! BIG HAH TO YOU YANA. I`ve never felt so embarrassed but then again it`s a good sign for me to rest more, so I decided to go to the doctors to check on my fever. Found out that I had the common flu, so the doctor gave me a one day mc. Hopefully I`m able to work tomorrow.
ILLUMI RUN 2015
Yesterday was by far the best night I`ve ever had in my life ! Well that being said that I`ve never went for a "run" before and especially when they have an after party where you`ll be dancing to the DJ`s beats. Basically I wouldn`t be having fun if it weren`t for my friends. To be honest I had a second thought of not going for this Illumi run, for one I didn`t dare spend my money on this kind of events and knowing myself I `d rather spend money on food *laughs*. Also knowing my friends, they wouldn`t stop trying until you said yes.
We reached the Bugis Village at 6.30pm (I think), and the place was already packed with a lot of people. I was quite nervous as I was scared that I might lose my friends in the middle of the run but we decided to stick together no matter what. The run started at 7.30pm and we were the 2nd batch to set off for the run, so while waiting the crews decided to splash us with the Illumi glow water which comes with different neon colours ! Not to worry we were not as wet as the other runners as were standing on the far left side of the lane. And so the run starts and that`s where the fun starts, the first two "glow water pits stop" was so far okay for us as we were not wet yet haha but we kept asking each other why aren`t we getting wet when the other participants are already drenched in glow waters. So we decided to go near those "glow water" sprays and well we got soaked till our feets.
We got immersed with the songs that the DJ was playing, literally jumping here and there and high-fiving the crews during the run. After the run, we decided to get even more wet with the glow water in the "photobooth" session. The crews literally had one bucket full of glow waters and would splash them at us till we are totally covered with the glow waters. I even put some glow water marks on my cheeks pretending to look like those army guys hahah. Afterwards will be the after party where all of us would stand in the middle of the stage and just dance our mind off. The DJ was really awesome and not to mention they are super cute *winks*. So my friends and I was standing in the middle of the crowd where we`d be exposed to the glow waters, slowly the crowd starts to get packed with other participants. We were dancing our minds off for about 30mins and afterwards we decided to find a place to sit and just party for there, you know like a mini party for all of us
We stayed till 11pm since we didn`t want to miss our last bus and taking a cab is super expensive plus with their night surcharge. It was really a fun night especially when I get to go out with my friends, of course this is not our full squad missing a few of us but next time we shall try to have full squad and have more fun! I definitely do not have regret for this run, I shall come back again if I have enough money Insyaallah.
OH YEAH WHAT`S A PARTY WITHOUT A SELFIE HAHAH
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